lennonalive

hello blog babies. i just wanted to come on here and share some thoughts. maybe ask some questions. garner some responses? idk. but sometimes i wonder if love is really for me. romantic love, at least. platonic and familial love is the only thing worth anything to me right now. i just think romantic relationships are something different for me. entirely new and yet i understand them deeply enough to know they probably arent good for me. and yet, here i am. wondering about them nonstop. what one would be like. how id feel. what wed do together. you know the gist. but honestly, i do think all this dumb pondering bs is just because im 16 and stupid and emotional or whatever. lol. i just think it would be so fun not to overthink everything, even if just for a little while. gosh. im babbling.

so anyways, as i was saying. romantic love. what a thing it is. and what it can be. its something i really want to experience again. i remember the first time i experienced that droopy feeling in my chest, heavy and yet so weightless. i remember how sweaty my palms got. the act of having a crush and how it blushed my face. but now, i wonder; is it something i can do very well anymore? gosh im just so different now than before. i dont think i would get along with the version of me that was in love. (with a person, at least. i'd say im always in the act of loving something, even if it's just the sunset in the morning.) but anyways, yeah. i bet me in love is pretty annoying. 

i just think i like to babble about what love means to me. i think i like the idea, maybe. the thought of holding hands. the physicality, the bond. maybe its the expectation of it all.

but in all honesty, its probably the expectation that kills it for everyone in the end. i think maybe people tend to look at someone and wonder how they can benefit one another. what the other can do for you, how you pay it back. expectation, its always a game of debt. love just ties into it far too much. and for me, i think loving someone is always going to be better in my head and thats why it often executes poorly in action. why, for me, it always tends to burn so bright and so quick. 

i think whats best for me is my friends. in all the turmoil ive described concerning boyfriends and past lovers, ive come to realize my friends are an entirely different side of me. i hold no expectations for them. i hold them in my hands and enjoy their company because it just feels so amazing. not holding the shame of passion, wondering if they like me. the general insecurity of relationships. i can just tell through the showing of smiles and the surprise redbulls (haha). none of that sad sack stuff, yanno. just me and my friends in love, loving what we do. loving everything about each other, its wonderful. ive recently begun valuing my friends more because ive seen how much better i feel with a surplus of platonic love in my life. its a wonderful feeling not being held to girlfriend status at every moment, even if i do miss the feeling of waking up to a good morning text. but honestly, i prefer them from church or noe. knowing my friends love me is really all i need at the moment. 

its good to be a good friend. 

i think thats all for this post. just needed to thought dump a bit. talk to the keyboard with my little fingers and tap away all the overthinking i tend to do at this time of day. hope those who read all the way through the best. 

love u !!